(photo by sdbrown on Flickr)

If you believe the billboards, advertising trucks, marchers, TV spots, bus ads and megaphonings, the truly faithful among us have no reason to plan beyond the next week and a half. It’s tempting to repent just to avoid worrying about climate change and saving for retirement. But hey, even if you do choose to remain an unbeliever, I’m told you only have until October 21 before the Earth and all its remaining citizens cease to exist. Be sure to redeem all of your Groupons before then.

Who’s behind this prophecy? The man to thank is 89-year-old Christian Broadcaster Harold Camping. Originally a civil engineer, Harold has put this expertise to work designing you a bridge…to salvation. Through his broadcasting network Family Radio (with net assets over $120 million) he’s published multiple “proofs” leading to the inevitable conclusion that Jesus will make an appearance next Saturday. The simplest of the lot runs like this:

• God said in Genesis 7:4 that he’d flood the Earth and kill everything in seven days.
• Aha! But, in 2 Peter 3:8 it is said that to God a day is like a thousand years.
• The flood happened in 4990 BC.
• 4990 BC + (7 x 1,000) = 2011 AD!

Here I have anticipated a few questions this ironclad proof might raise in the mind of the hardened skeptic:

Q: But, who says the flood happened in 4990 BC?
A: Not to worry; this number was determined through careful biblical scholarship and the conscientious application of nonsense.

Q: Didn’t the flood already happen? Why does this passage in the Bible have anything to do with the Rapture?
A: It’s allegory, you blockhead. Try to keep up.

Q: I’m not entirely convinced; don’t you have any other proof you can offer?
A: Yes, of course! Try this one on for size. It’s infallible; says so right there in the name! What’s more, it involves prime numbers, which are awesome.

Q: Wait.. are you saying that, in order to understand this proof, I first have to accept the axiom that 17 means “heaven,” 23 means “God’s wrath” and that fish represent true believers? Is that from Dan Brown or the Time Cube?
A: BRB, building a fort out of money.

One of the most amusing aspects of this whole thing is that Camping has predicted the end of days before! His book 1994 set the apocalypse in September of that year. Instead of the second coming, we got our first deaf Miss America and a ban on assault weapons. Neat. Undaunted, he set two more dates in quick succession before giving up. To his credit, Camping acknowledges that he was wrong, attributing his mistakes to small errors in his numerological interpretation of the Bible…but this time, guys, seriously, there is no question. The Lord has His plane tickets and They are nonrefundable.

Why are certain believers so willing to forgive and forget when it comes to failed predictions, even when the predictions are incredibly bold and the failures catastrophic? This article in Mother Jones may be the ultimate source of enlightenment on that subject. You should really be reading it rather than this silly blog post. :)

Finally, while I’d love to be satisfied in smugly continuing to exist through 2011, it should be noted that Harold Camping, Family Radio and friends represent more than just harmless sources of amusement. They spread a message of hate, and their foolishness destroys families. I’d like to think that they will give up come May 22nd, but sadly I know better.